Recent emails to Mysterious Matters have indicated the desire for a bit more "dish." One mischievous emailer asked if I would post a list of most overrated mystery writers. Now, I cannot do that, as much fun as it would be (and as easy as it would be to write).
As an alternative, I have dug into the slush pile to offer a list of things NOT to do when writing or pitching a mystery novel.
1. FIRST-PAGE SEX. I was shocked recently to begin reading some sample materials and find some very acrobatic sex, described in detail, on page one. Now, you may think this is a good way to begin your book with a bang (pardon the pun) and grab the reader's attention, but I can tell you it was most disconcerting...I actually thought it was an April Fool's joke. It was not.
2. ALTERNATE SPELLINGS OF PROTAGONIST'S NAME. In a novel I looked at recently, the author hadn't quite decided which way to spell her heroine's name. On some pages it was Jayne, on other pages Jane. I thought about suggesting that she just spell the name as Ja(y)ne throughout....
3. SINGLE SPACED MANUSCRIPTS. Really, there is no excuse for this, as there are millions of books and Websites to coach writers in proper manuscript production/presentation. A single-spaced manuscript gives the impression of thousands and thousands of words on a page, and the poor editor feels defeated before reading the first paragraph.
4. WORD COUNTS OF 150,000. A writer noted casually in her cover letter that her word count was 180,000 words. I was drinking a Coke at the time and almost did a spit take. Please leave such tomes to Thomas Pynchon, or perhaps Umberto Eco, and keep your word count between 70,000 and 80,000. Better to err on the short side--look at the Janet Evanovich books, with their 45-point type and six-inch margins....
5. OUTRAGEOUS CLAIMS. It's fine to compare your work to that of Mary Higgins Clark or James Patterson, along these lines: "My work will appeal to those who enjoy the independent heroine suspense genre pioneered by MHC" or "My book is a thriller along the James Patterson lines, but with deeper characterization and a truer mystery component." The following does not work: "Hey, Agatho! Listen, I'm letting you in on a little secret. Publish my book, and it'll sell more than John Grisham."
6. ORDERING THE PUBLISHER AROUND. I love when a writer tells me how to contact him or her. I've had people say, "I haven't enclosed a SASE, as email's a lot easier. So, here is my email address." Another favorite is: "Call me if you're interested, I sleep with my cell phone so I'll always answer it."
7. ATTENTION GETTERS THAT MAKE ME DIRTY. I respect a good attention getter, but was it really necessary to include cinders from your fireplace in a ziploc bag with your query regarding your manuscript about a chimney sweep in Victorian England and the crimes she solves? I thought about calling the FBI and having the office innoculated against anthrax.
8. PROVOCATIVE PHOTOS. Yes, I admit that in this shallow business, we want you to look good/ hot/ sexy/ attractive/ desirable/ likable in your author photo. But I am not more likely to publish your book if you send me a photo in a bikini, or -- in one case -- topless, because your book is about a stripper-call girl who solves crimes when not pole dancing.
9. ANNOTATED MANUSCRIPTS. Your manuscript should speak for itself. I do not need Post-Its throughout on which the author has scribbled explanations of what is going on, or even little smiley faces to indicate the presence of a joke. Readers will certainly not have such aids as they are soldiering through...
10. THREATENING TO KILL ME. I once sent what I thought was a nice rejection letter, only to get a response indicating ominously that I would "be sorry" due to the author's street contacts. Note to authors: I like my murder fictional, and my victims not to be myself.
You can rest assured that I will never compare my writing to that of Mary Higgins Clark!
Posted by: paul lamb | April 17, 2008 at 07:28 AM
How about authors who say: Here's my website. I've posted a bunch of projects there. Let me know if you're interested.
Posted by: Josephine Damian | April 29, 2008 at 12:05 PM